He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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