he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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