I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
