I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
