someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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