he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
