Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My dick has a subreddit
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
