Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
