i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
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I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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