I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
