just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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