why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
