It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
