Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
