she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
