why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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