I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's shark week go big or go home
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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