At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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