I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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