before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
