it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
