my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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