you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
