I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My liver just broke up with me...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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