Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
