He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
