I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
