fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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