there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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