i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize