3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We're facebook friends in real life
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Randomize
