stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
