I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
