Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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