It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
