nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
