Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
