remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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