Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
just found out that she named her cat after me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
