Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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