Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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