Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
