i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
