Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
