I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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