margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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