I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
