I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
