guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
