the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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