Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
