from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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