i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
