Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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