checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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