He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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