On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
