Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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