but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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